Charm City

Why are you the only one that gets to sing your side of how this went down?
No, I wasn't as hurt as you in the end...
Because I was hurting for the majority.
But you didn't care.
Self-absorbed in your need to express yourself, you had no time for my ambitions
It was always about you.
To even begin to understand my purpose in life, you need to step outside yourself for one second.
The struggling artist is probably struggling because he is emotionally vacant.
After spilling all of your thoughts into lyrics, what room is there to be anything but self-obsessed?
Self-pitying about one thing or another?
What room is there for a significant other?
You weren't looking for a life partner in me, you wanted a friend.
Well I wanted something else.
And I found it.
I won't apologize for what I did.
That's alright, we both know if it were you that cut the string, there would be no resentment on your part.
That's the only way this would've gone amicably.
Because you're self-centered.
Write a song about that.

Wedding Planning and Back Muscles

My levator scapulae is killing me. I need a vacation. I know... All brides go through this crap. Family drama, drama with your spouse-to-be, who should you invite, who shouldn't you invite. It's all bizarre. Weddings are supposed to be fun, right? I can tell you one thing: I will NOT do this to my son's fiancé or my own daughter. I will remember what it is like to be pulled in 80 directions by family and I will specifically not do that.

I'm supposed to be trying to learn virtually every muscle in the body in 5 hours and be able to tell their attachments, insertions, actions, origins. This is insanity. INSANITY. I need a better work ethic. The truth is, although I love PA school, I am thoroughly burnt out. I can barely keep myself afloat. It's ridiculous. The one thing I look forward to each week is my clinical rotation. That is definitely awesome.

Last week I took a 5 day break from school. I pretty much did nothing the entire time. It was fabulous. I walked around downtown crossing, shopped, did nothing. Shopped again Friday, did nothing. Laid around all day Saturday and Sunday!

Perfect- just what I needed. I did feel guilty that I wasn't studying for this dumb test. But it was all worth it. Ok back to work :(

To my future daughter

Yesterday, while driving along through Watertown, I began to think upon some pearls of wisdom that I have learned throughout my 25 years of life. Pearls that I sometimes wish someone had told me. Well- here is a note to my future daughter- signed always- future mommy.

1. Don't ever be late. Account for traffic, car break downs, ANYTHING. I am constantly late (habitual mis-management of time) and constantly embarrassed and regretting it! Don't put yourself in this position! Be an adult and be early.

2. Manage your time. Today I wasted ~11 hours doing absolutely nothing useful. I'm in PA school, mind you. This sort of laziness is inexcusable. Go for a run, make some dinner, clean, do some reading, anything really.

3. If you wind up in PA school like me- remember to go to a school with ~50-74 classmates. 36 (northeastern) is TOO SMALL. Everyone knows everyone's business. It is like a grown-up high school. You don't need that. You're too good for that.

4. clean your closet regularly. Clutter in any capacity not only clutters physical space, but also mental space. The latter of which is far more valuable.

5. When planning your wedding, don't select bridesmaids/wedding party attendants before you know what you are actually doing for your wedding. You see, I'm marrying your father this August and we sort of naively jumped the gun and asked our friends to be in the wedding. Now our wedding is in Ireland and of course we feel bad excluding them, but also bad making them buy a plane ticket to come see us. Oh yea, don't plan your wedding in graduate school. Promise you, darling, it's not one bit fun.

6. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve/be an open book. Less is more. Open your heart to the ones that actually deserve it. If you work in healthcare, your patients should be included in the ones you open your heart to. Some of your future classmates (in any grade, really) won't deserve it. They're really your colleagues, not classmates. Always be classy and trust no one automatically. Trust is earned not given for free.

7. Eat well, exercise, live exactly the way you want to in this moment. You will have long term goals and ambitions and you will need to sacrifice fun sometimes. Don't let whatever you need to do out of necessity ruin your life. Embrace it as a challenge and use this opportunity to practice delayed gratification.

8. When you have a head ache, don't jump the gun to take pain reliever. Wait it out- see what happens. This statement is as metaphorical as it is literal.

9. When you get a manicure/pedicure...make sure that you first look up reviews on that place. Make sure they are reputable and that they don't cut your cuticles!! Your cuticles act as a cutaneous barrier for your nail beds! You don't want bacteria or anything getting in there. I'm telling you...some nail places are not sterile and don't know how to give you a non-infectious mani/pedi. Go somewhere reputable and stick with them.

10. When you are a poor student (as your parents are now), make sure you spoil yourself a bit. Put aside some cash each week to treat yourself to something luxurious. A spa day, a shopping trip, even a $5 coffee. Just because you are poor doesn't mean you don't deserve the best sometimes- no need to feel deprived of anything.

That is all, my beautiful daughter. Someday I'll show you this and you'll laugh!
Love Mom!

It appears I was tricked!

So I got tricked into attending a meditation session today at my local yoga studio. It was advertised as "slow flow" yoga. I figured it would be just what I needed to roll out the knots in my neck and take it easy for a Friday night after a long week of school! I arrive and it is clearly a "guided nap" session. Oh lord. What did I get myself into?

You'll be pleased (or ambivalent) to find out that it was actually quite enjoyable! It was a surreal experience for sure. The first 10-20 minutes or so were BRUTAL. My mind wouldn't shut up. I thought about how cute the instructor was, about how it's awkward that he paced up and down the rows of mats as he spoke, about school, about school work...etc. Everything. After the first 20 minutes, I began to get out of my head. I was completely- 100% focused on nothing. It was awesome.

The next thing I know, class is over. I know what you're thinking (the same thing I was thinking) did you fall asleep?! The answer is no! I was acutely aware of everything, but not in my head. The instructor would tell us things like: bring one knee to your chest and hold it, bring one arm out to the side. I was actually able to follow direction the entire time. But it felt just like a nap. Except that my mind was completely sharp and aware the whole time. I left feeling like I did some sort of drug. The cold weather didn't bother me, nor did I feel anything somatic whatsoever as I walked out. No shoulder pain, no hunger, no thirst, no fatigue. My mind was alert and attentive, but I couldn't identify a single somatic complaint (and sitting all day usually leaves you with many).

Weirdest experience ever.

That last post got me thinking...

...where do I see myself 5 years from now?
Hmmm let's see if I can get this right! Holy shit- that's Jan 28th 2017!
So at 30 years old (eep!)

-I'll a Mrs. Lindstrom circa August 2012
-hopefully have traveled a bit
-working as a PA for about 4.5 years somewhere in pediatrics- either pedi/onc pedi/bonemarrow or pediatric office. Jury is still out
-Really thinking about children- or maybe a baby bump O.o!
-hopefully a home owner by then, but who knows -loving life!
-oh and hopefully will get the other side of my ring by then! hehe

take care, soldiers

Yay for achieving long-term goals :)

While browsing my old Lj blog I found this gem! It appears around March 8, 2007 I decided I wanted to become a PA!

Funny!

Is it really winter in Boston?

50 degrees and sunny out... and it's January 28th! :D I complain not. I love it.

I've come to the not-so-astounding revelation that this here thing called life is all about love. Love for friends, family, your work, God, kittens, sunlight, strangers, whatever you choose to love! Putting your whole heart into everything makes life worth living and so what if this could be my last 3 days on Earth, or my last year, or last 20 years. It doesn't matter. Living and loving life to the fullest will make it all worth it, no matter how long we have left. Just knowing that I put my all into every interaction I will have in this life, and putting forth love and positive energy will be enough to make my fragile, fickle, transient existence worthwhile.

Ok enough of this for today. Time to study hard!

stress

Defined as "internal distribution of pressure acting on a deformable object." I suppose I would be that deformable object. How is it almost 2am and I'm still awake AND I got nothing done- yet again tonight. My sleep schedule is most definitely screwed up. And mock OSCEs are tomorrow, and my make up quiz.

...and yoga. My one saving grace. Followed by more stress.

I have to remember...I can choose my disposition towards this whole "stress" sentiment.

That might be easier to do if my sleep schedule were regulated at all. I started off the week really well, then around Monday night it all fell to crap.

Ah well. Life is such that things fall apart-it's our job to pick up the pieces and straighten up after the tornado comes through to ravage our homes.

What am I even saying? Enough of this, I think it's finally bedtime. Goodnight folks.

positive post incoming!

So I feel like counting my blessings tonight- so feel free to not read on if this will bore you, as it is my usual self-reflective post and is not on anything interesting like politics or... literature. I don't know what I'm saying- I'm just sick of that g*d* school work.

So I had a day off from school today. Sick with a stomach thingy and I didn't feel like doing much work- just resting- which I so needed. Given this, I had plenty of time to reflect- which mainly included me just feeling thankful for all of the good fortune that has come to our little family here. For one, Danny has a med school interview tomorrow and I know he will do great. I'm learning what I've always wanted to learn- and it's amazing how much knowledge is actually sticking. Our family is in good health- I am starting to get back to eating well, trying to lower my cholesterol and going on a good exercise routine. None of us are in pain or afflicted by an ailment. Our kitties did great in their surgeries with no repercussions. I'm visiting my Worcester friends this weekend and life is terrific.

Life is often terrific, actually and I simply don't appreciate that enough. I'm 25- and on my way to getting the life I want- though I don't take enough vacations to awesome warm place like Belize haha. Really though, our financial situation is stable- for which I am always so thankful! I love when I don't have to worry about money. It's super easy to stay within my means- even small means.

Alright blog world- peace, love and good eve to you all!

Oh yea- and it is this couple's anniversary tomorrow


:) Cheers to 3 years of bliss with Dan- and many more!

OH great, Bella lost her straw to the underbelly of the stove yet again...

As I sit here reading my deceased childhood friend's blog (rest him, bless him, etc), I think to myself: until I really beef up my writing skills I'll never write something legitimate again. I realize my friend did work a lot on his talents- and most of the time, writing was much of what kept him together. That said, I don't have time to cultivate my talents outside of my bookish and boring occupation/education.

Ok, that's unfair. I get to play with corpses and look at brains,intestines, and hearts all day. But so what? I need a bit more on the creative front and it drives me crazy. I'm going on four hours learning about the adrenal gland and about to pull my frickin hair out.

I suppose we can cue the coffee break here...

A word about creativity...

I used to write meaningful stuff. Now I write about nothing at all. My creative prowess has been sequestered by needing to learn medicine all of my days and my waking hours this year. I come to this question a lot... is it worth it? What would happen if I just quit now and started working in a bakery or some other job where I could just focus my energy on being creative and empowered. The very essence of creativity as a word is "to create." Create for whom? Do artists create for themselves or to share with others? You'll find most artists create mainly for themselves- not caring or expecting anyone to care about their works. Such is the case with my poor, deceased childhood friend. He was a terrific artist. A writer, a musician, an illustrator with a unique outlook on life, albeit a depressed outlook. He had much to say and never wrote for an audience. He wrote to get things off his chest.

I don't often feel the need to write or draw or get things off my chest anymore, which is why I'm fully convinced that school has forced me to give up the ghost of ever creating anything and focus on learning how to heal people.

I want to go abroad and expand my horizons. For 4 weeks, I will have the opportunity to go to Kenya, Ecuador, or maybe even India! I'm itching to abroad and study medicine in an underserved area. I have heard that these areas are so underserved that we might have to make our own medical machinery.

I have heard there is an art to healing, and I'm determined to find it. It's the patients that make this all worth it, and right now, unfortunately, I'm kind of out of touch with them because I'm stuck in a classroom. Well for now I can only study hard and learn all I can so that when the time comes, I will be able to help people to the best of my ability.

Sorry for this disjointed rambling. I'm sleep deprived and in desperate need of a run to break my sedentary streak. I know I say this every day, but I'm through being inactive.